Yeah, I'm really passionate about public service

Today I'd like to talk about the very serious issue of health care reform. I've tried to avoid bringing it up before as I've held a personal stake in it, and everyone knows how ethical and upstanding of a kitty I am. I'm a good boy. *rolls on belly* But it surprises me and saddens me that the American people haven't been on board with the President's plan. Look, I know he's a socialist. I know he hasn't said how he'll pay for it. I know he hasn't said what it does. But I've got this sweet job lined up on one of the death panels.



I'll be super pissed if it doesn't go through so yeah, contact your legislatures right away.

That was Teddy - always a fighter for equal opportunity for women

Yeah so I was hanging out at the strip club last night, and there were all these fat chicks. And you know what? It made me miss Teddy Kennedy. Nobody loved the chubby babes quite like big Ted.

RIP dude.

And the meek shall probably end up getting their identity stolen...

I was surfing the web the other day and happened upon a bible quote: “But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth - Deuteronomy 8:18.” It really resonated with me, made a lot of sense. Inspirational, if you will. All these other fools out there making money off God – why not me? For as the good book says “Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth – 1 Corinthians 10:24.”

But religion’s not all about money. Just mostly. But I don’t want to be one of those superficial religious people. I want to be one of those religious people that not only use religion to be self-righteous and rationalize anything I do, but also to condemn people who don’t like me and call them evil. Because what good is it to go to heaven if you can’t rub it in everyone else’s face?

So I’ve found a few appropriate verses:

Exodus 34:12 “Take care not to make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land to which you are going, or it will become a snare among you. 13 You shall tear down their altars, break their pillars, and cut down their sacred poles 14 (for you shall worship no other god, because the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God).”

Ok, so that time I got drunk and threw this party at a hotel where we ended up totally trashing the place and setting half the building on fire? Yeah, I did that because the hotel was ungodly. Just doing what God told me to.

Deuteronomy 22:5: “A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.”

And those broads at NOW didn’t believe me…pantsuits...

Deuteronomy 5:14 “But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, or your son or your daughter, or your male or female slave, or your ox or your donkey, or any of your livestock, or the resident alien in your towns, so that your male and female slave may rest as well as you.”

Yeah, I always give my illegal immigrant workers Sunday off. But they have to make up their work during the week.

This one is my favorite though. It’s really inspirational. It was posted by this totally hypocritical broad, what the good book would call a “harlot.” It’s really a gem, sums up what religion is supposed to be.

Psalm 37:1 “Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.

11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.

15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;

17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.”

So basically what this means, as I understand it, is that I’m supposed to look down my nose at anyone I don’t like and refer to them as evil while thinking of myself as righteous. I can really do whatever I want, because the Lord condones it and thinks it’s funny. He’s on my side, because I say so. Interpreting the Bible to make it fit what you want it to say kicks ass.

He's just an average Joe...only stupid

I couldn't stop laughing reading this story. Really, it's hilarious - click the link for the full list. Here's a short excerpt of our first Bidenisms:


I see a resemblence...

-- During his first campaign rally with Obama as his vice presidential running mate on Aug. 23, 2008, Biden introduced Obama by saying, "A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States -- Barack America!"

-- At a Sept. 10, 2008, town hall meeting in Nashua, N.H., Biden said, "Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me."

-- During a Sept. 12, 2008, speech in Columbia, Mo., Biden called for Missouri State Sen. Chuck Graham, who is wheelchair-bound, to "stand up."

"Oh, God love ya," Biden said, after realizing his mistake. "What am I talking about?"

-- In a Sept. 22, 2008, CBS interview, Biden misspoke when he said Franklin D. Roosevelt was president when the stock market crashed in 1929.

"When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened," he said. Herbert Hoover -- not Roosevelt -- was president in 1929, and television had not yet been invented in 1929.

-- When criticizing former GOP nominee John McCain in Athens, Ohio, on Oct. 15, 2008, Biden said, "Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs."

-- During a Feb. 25, 2009, interview on CBS' "Early Show," Biden encouraged viewers to visit a government-run Web site that tracks stimulus spending. When asked for the site's web address, Biden could not remember the site's "number."

"You know, I'm embarrassed. Do you know the Web site number?" he asked an aide standing out of view. "I should have it in front of me and I don't. I'm actually embarrassed."

-- On March 13, 2009, Biden addressed a former Senate colleague by saying, "An hour late, oh give me a f**king break," after he arrived on Amtrak at Union Station in Washington, D.C. The vice president's expletive was caught on a live microphone.

100 days closer to the end of the world

So in honor of Obama's first 100 days in office I thought I'd rip off a segment from CNN called, "First 100 Day Report Card". Real creative. But mine's better - it's got No bull. No bias. That's my slogan. Pretty good, eh?

1. Public Health Grade: F

So we've got this pig flu, and now apparently there's this cancer that you get in your butt, and last week my poop was green. This never happened under George Bush.

2. National Security Grade: F

I told you he was a terrorist.

3. Moral Values: D-

Supporting gay marriage, pushing for more legal abortions, insulting America overseas, backing Iran over Israel, shaking Hugo's hand.....eh, I'd expect more from the "Anti-Christ."

4. Economic Policy: A+

Let's see...he gave billions to AIG and other irresponsible corporations (cha-ching), spent a trillion bucks on "stimulus" with no little oversight (cha-ching), and gave an insulting tax cut to millions of loser "working families".....couldn't have done it better myself.

Chris Dodd Rocks

All this rage I've been seeing the news reminded of a job I used to have. I was a corporate executive at AIG a while back. It was pretty sweet. My job was to buy a bunch of risky assets and insure them with "virtual" dollars. Then, we'd charge a lot in insurance and make lots of money. I thought it was a great business idea. I worked my way up from the bottom. I used to be that guy that went around to disaster sites to tell the newly homeless that we werent' going to give them any money. I was really good at it.

I'm really tired of hearing all these losers bashing the work we did. Yeah, I got a huge bonus for ruining the company but I worked for it. Here's what my day was like:

-I'd work about two days a week
-Stroll in around noon.
-Flirted with the secretary
-Take lunch at 12:15
-Then call it a day or take a nap

All those people looking for accountability don't understand. I'm just glad Chris Dodd protected my pay--I'm totally worth it.

I still do work for AIG occasionally, but I had to quit the position as an executive. It was just too demanding.

Phoenix Online Law is better anyways...

Yeah, I'm applying to law school this year. I was hoping affirmative action might just get me into a top school, but it's more because my owner's applying to and I wanted to piss her off by taking her seat. Haha. I put into Northwestern and figured my lobbying background (I've lobbied for tobacco, oil, and nuclear waste companies and also worked in the Senate to support legislation against orphaned puppies. You know, the usuals), political campaigning (most notably the McCarthy campaign), and other various consulting work would get me in. It didn't though, they said I didn't have enough work experience! Such bull. I'm a black cat with a 189 LCAT (the feline LSAT), and a 4.3 gpa from the International Institute of Globalized Economic Institutions at University of Phoenix Online. I told them that just because I haven't paid federal or state taxes on any of my income doesn't mean I didn't have a job. And just because it wasn't "legal" doesn't mean it wasn't work experience. Elitists.

I bet I could get a job with the Obama administration, no problem.

Oh, and Northwestern was wondering how I got higher than a 4.0. I got the extra points for an online survey...I also won a Xbox from it. PhoeU rocks.