The Litterbox

Yeah, I'm really passionate about public service

2009-09-22T07:23:00.004-05:00

Today I'd like to talk about the very serious issue of health care reform. I've tried to avoid bringing it up before as I've held a personal stake in it, and everyone knows how ethical and upstanding of a kitty I am. I'm a good boy. *rolls on belly* But it surprises me and saddens me that the American people haven't been on board with the President's plan. Look, I know he's a socialist. I know he hasn't said how he'll pay for it. I know he hasn't said what it does. But I've got this sweet job lined up on one of the death panels.

I'll be super pissed if it doesn't go through so yeah, contact your legislatures right away.

That was Teddy - always a fighter for equal opportunity for women

2009-09-20T22:10:00.005-05:00

Yeah so I was hanging out at the strip club last night, and there were all these fat chicks. And you know what? It made me miss Teddy Kennedy. Nobody loved the chubby babes quite like big Ted.

RIP dude.

And the meek shall probably end up getting their identity stolen...

2009-06-05T12:53:00.004-05:00

I was surfing the web the other day and happened upon a bible quote: “But remember the Lord your God, for it is he who gives you the ability to produce wealth - Deuteronomy 8:18.” It really resonated with me, made a lot of sense. Inspirational, if you will. All these other fools out there making money off God – why not me? For as the good book says “Let no man seek his own, but every man another's wealth – 1 Corinthians 10:24.”

But religion’s not all about money. Just mostly. But I don’t want to be one of those superficial religious people. I want to be one of those religious people that not only use religion to be self-righteous and rationalize anything I do, but also to condemn people who don’t like me and call them evil. Because what good is it to go to heaven if you can’t rub it in everyone else’s face?

So I’ve found a few appropriate verses:

Exodus 34:12 “Take care not to make a covenant with the inhabitants of the land to which you are going, or it will become a snare among you. 13 You shall tear down their altars, break their pillars, and cut down their sacred poles 14 (for you shall worship no other god, because the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God).”

Ok, so that time I got drunk and threw this party at a hotel where we ended up totally trashing the place and setting half the building on fire? Yeah, I did that because the hotel was ungodly. Just doing what God told me to.

Deuteronomy 22:5: “A woman must not wear men's clothing, nor a man wear women's clothing, for the LORD your God detests anyone who does this.”

And those broads at NOW didn’t believe me…pantsuits...

Deuteronomy 5:14 “But the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God; you shall not do any work—you, or your son or your daughter, or your male or female slave, or your ox or your donkey, or any of your livestock, or the resident alien in your towns, so that your male and female slave may rest as well as you.”

Yeah, I always give my illegal immigrant workers Sunday off. But they have to make up their work during the week.

This one is my favorite though. It’s really inspirational. It was posted by this totally hypocritical broad, what the good book would call a “harlot.” It’s really a gem, sums up what religion is supposed to be.

Psalm 37:1 “Do not fret because of evil men
or be envious of those who do wrong;

2 for like the grass they will soon wither,
like green plants they will soon die away.

3 Trust in the LORD and do good;
dwell in the land and enjoy safe pasture.

4 Delight yourself in the LORD
and he will give you the desires of your heart.

5 Commit your way to the LORD;
trust in him and he will do this:

6 He will make your righteousness shine like the dawn,
the justice of your cause like the noonday sun.

7 Be still before the LORD and wait patiently for him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways,
when they carry out their wicked schemes.

8 Refrain from anger and turn from wrath;
do not fret—it leads only to evil.

9 For evil men will be cut off,
but those who hope in the LORD will inherit the land.

10 A little while, and the wicked will be no more;
though you look for them, they will not be found.

11 But the meek will inherit the land
and enjoy great peace.

12 The wicked plot against the righteous
and gnash their teeth at them;

13 but the Lord laughs at the wicked,
for he knows their day is coming.

14 The wicked draw the sword
and bend the bow
to bring down the poor and needy,
to slay those whose ways are upright.

15 But their swords will pierce their own hearts,
and their bows will be broken.

16 Better the little that the righteous have
than the wealth of many wicked;

17 for the power of the wicked will be broken,
but the LORD upholds the righteous.”

So basically what this means, as I understand it, is that I’m supposed to look down my nose at anyone I don’t like and refer to them as evil while thinking of myself as righteous. I can really do whatever I want, because the Lord condones it and thinks it’s funny. He’s on my side, because I say so. Interpreting the Bible to make it fit what you want it to say kicks ass.

He's just an average Joe...only stupid

2009-05-18T17:47:00.003-05:00

I couldn't stop laughing reading this story. Really, it's hilarious - click the link for the full list. Here's a short excerpt of our first Bidenisms:

I see a resemblence...

-- During his first campaign rally with Obama as his vice presidential running mate on Aug. 23, 2008, Biden introduced Obama by saying, "A man I'm proud to call my friend. A man who will be the next President of the United States -- Barack America!"

-- At a Sept. 10, 2008, town hall meeting in Nashua, N.H., Biden said, "Hillary Clinton is as qualified or more qualified than I am to be vice president of the United States of America. Quite frankly, it might have been a better pick than me."

-- During a Sept. 12, 2008, speech in Columbia, Mo., Biden called for Missouri State Sen. Chuck Graham, who is wheelchair-bound, to "stand up."

"Oh, God love ya," Biden said, after realizing his mistake. "What am I talking about?"

-- In a Sept. 22, 2008, CBS interview, Biden misspoke when he said Franklin D. Roosevelt was president when the stock market crashed in 1929.

"When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened," he said. Herbert Hoover -- not Roosevelt -- was president in 1929, and television had not yet been invented in 1929.

-- When criticizing former GOP nominee John McCain in Athens, Ohio, on Oct. 15, 2008, Biden said, "Look, John's last-minute economic plan does nothing to tackle the number-one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S, jobs."

-- During a Feb. 25, 2009, interview on CBS' "Early Show," Biden encouraged viewers to visit a government-run Web site that tracks stimulus spending. When asked for the site's web address, Biden could not remember the site's "number."

"You know, I'm embarrassed. Do you know the Web site number?" he asked an aide standing out of view. "I should have it in front of me and I don't. I'm actually embarrassed."

-- On March 13, 2009, Biden addressed a former Senate colleague by saying, "An hour late, oh give me a f**king break," after he arrived on Amtrak at Union Station in Washington, D.C. The vice president's expletive was caught on a live microphone.

100 days closer to the end of the world

2009-04-29T21:57:00.011-05:00

So in honor of Obama's first 100 days in office I thought I'd rip off a segment from CNN called, "First 100 Day Report Card". Real creative. But mine's better - it's got No bull. No bias. That's my slogan. Pretty good, eh?

1. Public Health Grade: F

So we've got this pig flu, and now apparently there's this cancer that you get in your butt, and last week my poop was green. This never happened under George Bush.

2. National Security Grade: F

I told you he was a terrorist.

3. Moral Values: D-

Supporting gay marriage, pushing for more legal abortions, insulting America overseas, backing Iran over Israel, shaking Hugo's hand.....eh, I'd expect more from the "Anti-Christ."

4. Economic Policy: A+

Let's see...he gave billions to AIG and other irresponsible corporations (cha-ching), spent a trillion bucks on "stimulus" with no little oversight (cha-ching), and gave an insulting tax cut to millions of loser "working families".....couldn't have done it better myself.

Chris Dodd Rocks

2009-03-22T22:49:00.005-05:00

All this rage I've been seeing the news reminded of a job I used to have. I was a corporate executive at AIG a while back. It was pretty sweet. My job was to buy a bunch of risky assets and insure them with "virtual" dollars. Then, we'd charge a lot in insurance and make lots of money. I thought it was a great business idea. I worked my way up from the bottom. I used to be that guy that went around to disaster sites to tell the newly homeless that we werent' going to give them any money. I was really good at it.

I'm really tired of hearing all these losers bashing the work we did. Yeah, I got a huge bonus for ruining the company but I worked for it. Here's what my day was like:

-I'd work about two days a week
-Stroll in around noon.
-Flirted with the secretary
-Take lunch at 12:15
-Then call it a day or take a nap

All those people looking for accountability don't understand. I'm just glad Chris Dodd protected my pay--I'm totally worth it.

I still do work for AIG occasionally, but I had to quit the position as an executive. It was just too demanding.

Phoenix Online Law is better anyways...

2009-02-05T21:29:00.006-05:00

Yeah, I'm applying to law school this year. I was hoping affirmative action might just get me into a top school, but it's more because my owner's applying to and I wanted to piss her off by taking her seat. Haha. I put into Northwestern and figured my lobbying background (I've lobbied for tobacco, oil, and nuclear waste companies and also worked in the Senate to support legislation against orphaned puppies. You know, the usuals), political campaigning (most notably the McCarthy campaign), and other various consulting work would get me in. It didn't though, they said I didn't have enough work experience! Such bull. I'm a black cat with a 189 LCAT (the feline LSAT), and a 4.3 gpa from the International Institute of Globalized Economic Institutions at University of Phoenix Online. I told them that just because I haven't paid federal or state taxes on any of my income doesn't mean I didn't have a job. And just because it wasn't "legal" doesn't mean it wasn't work experience. Elitists.

I bet I could get a job with the Obama administration, no problem.

Oh, and Northwestern was wondering how I got higher than a 4.0. I got the extra points for an online survey...I also won a Xbox from it. PhoeU rocks.

Living in a material world, and I am a material girl. Or boy.

2008-12-10T11:35:00.003-05:00

Glad that ethics reform legislation that Obama ran on worked so well.

And I'll be needing you all as character witnesses...

2008-11-25T18:47:00.006-05:00

Hey everyone, I don’t often do this but I’d like to use this space today to promote an organization that is very important to our community – the National Organization of Women or something like that. NOW. Yeah, them.

Yeah I really care about the work they’re doing. It’s very important. And this message is only because of that fact and has nothing, I repeat nothing, to do with any pending law suits. Not that one where I slapped the flight attendant’s butt either - allegedly, of course! It’s just because I think NOW is so great. In fact, you should all donate to them – I just dropped $150 on my owner’s credit card to them – so that they can keep doing all the neato stuff they’re probably doing like making cook books and knitting sweaters.

I would go so far as to say that I find NOW to be inspirational. In fact, I'm so inspired that when my owner get's home tonight, I'm going to tell her to bake me some cookies - NOW!

Obama's dog

2008-11-09T01:43:00.011-05:00

Apparently Barack Obama believes that one of the most "pressing issues" for his family is the choice of what type of dog to bring into the White House. First, let me say I say for the record I oppose his position in support of dogs to begin with. Most are dumb and indiscriminate in their affections just like democrats. However, I decided to do my part to "support" our new President-Elect by conducting a comprehensive search for the perfect dog to fit the Obama White House. Below are my observations:

1. The "Saluki", hails from the Arabian desert:

Nah, too obvious.....

2. Poodle hailing from France:

Probably a better fit for John Kerry. Interests include: wind surfing, the New York Times cross word puzzles, and wine tasting.

3. Malamute, hailing from Alaska:

Everyone knows Alaskan dogs are republicans. They believe in small government, lower taxes, gun ownership, and preemptive war. They also love American flag pins. Not a good a fit.

4. American Labrador hailing from America:

"Cute" by typical dog standards (I think he has a fat head if you ask me), safe, a true American who IS "proud of his country". Politically neutral because they are too stupid to pay attention, loved by both republicans and democrats, bi-partisan. I think we have a winner.

The Verdict:

So Mr. President-Elect Obama, I recommend an American lab puppy from a shelter. Make sure he has a good sob story. His name should end in 'y' just to make it cuter. And he should wear a bandanna at all times. These dogs get kind of fat and slow as they age so you may need to replace him with a new puppy every couple of years. In short, nothing says, "I love America and am NOT an undercover commie socialist wealth re-distributor" more than an all American puppy taking a crap on the White House lawn.

Hope for a new generation...of commies!

2008-11-05T18:49:00.003-05:00

Today is quite a day for America - one I'd never thought I'd see. I've got to say that I'm probably more inspired than I ever have been. It shows the American spirit of acceptance and tolerance. Everyone will look back at November 4, 2008 and say "That's the day America elected its first commie president."

Endorsement time

2008-11-04T17:15:00.005-05:00

Well, it's finally here. Election day. And now the time that you've all been waiting for - time for the endorsement of the most prestigious, award winning kitty pundit. Me. I know what you're thinking, certainly waiting until the last minute for this, but I wanted to wait until I had all of the facts (bids) in. So without further ado, I'm endorsing Cynthia McKinney for president. Yeah, so says that George W. Bush was in on 9/11, that the government executed 5,000 prisoners during Hurricane Katrina, is running as something called the green party, and hit a cop, but she was the highest bidder - 19 treats. And I want the good stuff. So yeah.

Vote for Cynthia McKinney for president.

An inspirational video to remind you of the importance of voting

2008-11-01T12:26:00.002-05:00

Family Values

2008-11-01T02:34:00.006-05:00

So we just learned today some SHOCKING news. Apparently, Barack Obama's Kenyan aunt is both an illegal immigrant and living in squalor on the south side of Boston. Obama's campaign spokesman released a statement:

"Senator Obama has no knowledge of her status but obviously believes that any and all appropriate laws be followed."

In other words, deport the bum. Finally, a position I can agree with!

Maybe he's got a black janitor...

2008-10-21T16:14:00.005-05:00

So Powell endorsed Obama because of the "inclusive nature of his campaign"?

Let's take a quick look at Obama's campaign staff:
David Axelrod: rich white guy, consultant for crooked mayor Daley
David Plouffe: rich white guy, Washington insider
Steve Hildebrand: rich white guy
Betsy Meyers: rich white broad, Clinton crony
Robert Gibbs: rich white guy
Penny Pritzker: super-rich white broad, really rich, loaded

Woah, groundbreaking! How transformational! What an inclusive campaign! Where'd they find such normal, down to earth people? I've never heard of a campaign led by people with such diverse backgrounds!

Well, and neither wear flag shorts...

2008-10-15T17:19:00.003-05:00

Roland Martin says:

Muhammad Ali was not only a great boxer, but an awesome tactician.
Remember the fight against George Foreman in Zaire? My man damn near went to sleep on the ropes as Foreman flailed away, using his energy to pound away at Ali. And at the right time, the Greatest of All Time started blasting away, eventually knocking Foreman out.

That's exactly what Sen. Barack Obama is doing to Sen. John McCain.

I say the only thing Barack Obama and Muhammad Ali have in common is they're both Muslim.

The correct answer was "A commie"

2008-10-10T17:40:00.004-05:00

This one was me too:

In Albuquerque, New Mexico, John McCain pushed his campaign’s most recent line of attack against Obama: that the Democratic nominee represents a relatively unknown risk. “All people want to know is: What has this man ever actually accomplished in government? What does he plan for America? In short: Who is the real Barack Obama?” Someone in the crowd responded by yelling: “Terrorist!”

See, I thought that was the answer to a question. That if I got the question right, I'd get a treat. Oops.

Just be glad I didn't put Hussein too...

2008-10-10T17:36:00.002-05:00

Uh, yeah. That was me. I was a little wasted when the proofs went out. My bad.

A Message from Congressman Antonio

2008-09-29T16:56:00.003-05:00

Well, right now we're looking into the best package for this financial crisis, really burning the midnight oil. Lobbyists are submitting their proposals and, well, whoever bribes me the most, that'll be the plan we go with.

Finally, some common sense!

2008-09-25T09:38:00.004-05:00

I've been saying it for years, especially during those dumb tax cuts. The best way to help our economy isn't by lowering taxes, or giving everyone money, or any of that crap. The thing to do when your economy blows is give $700 billion to businessmen. After all, when it comes to financial decisions, who can you trust more than this guy?

Heckuvajob, Brownie

2008-09-24T16:06:00.005-05:00

And while we're at it, let's get tomorrow's award out of the way. Can Campbell Brown possibly be more retarded? Who knows.

But for now, congratulations to Campbell Brown, the Biggest Douchebag in the World!

Campbell Brown with MSNBC.....................................................Campbell Brown with CNN
Now there's a woman who doesn't give in to sexist pressures!

If I were a political strategist...

2008-09-11T15:38:00.002-05:00

...and I had a candidate who was an arrogant arugula eating elitist who no one particularly liked (especially outside of major cities), I would definitely have him try to call a war hero ignorant and try to smear his extremely likable counterpart. That would be genius.